Thru the good and the bad...

Mister Sailor Man and I have a very long history. Starting in 2004 when we first met and expanding thru the years.
We have been thru more in those years then a lot of people go thru in a lifetime. There are memories that make we want to cry, ones that fill me with immense happiness, and ones that make me want to strangle him. ;-) 
We have been thru close family deaths, graduations, children, driver licenses, tattoos, new apartments, debt,  surgery, cars, jobs; the biggest mistakes in our lives; and the best choices ever. 
We have a kind of love that was instant when we first met....but one that has grown in an unbelievable way. We have grown from the15 year old kids, dumb struck from puppy love; to adults that have come to respect each other; respect the decisions we have made and the people we have become. We have grown together, grown apart, grown up, and are standing together today, better for it.
We have had many chapters in our lives. And now I for some reason today, am left wondering.  Is the Navy going to be another chapter in our lives together....an adventure we went on.....or is it going to be our lives?
Arguably, 20 years could still obviously be considered a "chapter"....it's not like he'll be 60 when retirement rolls around. But I wonder....is it a chapter that I want to last that long?
Lovey once said to me that if I ever decided I "couldn't" do this anymore; that that would be the end of it. He would rather give up the Navy then give up his family.
That was a very nice thing for him to offer....but now I'm thinking what the hell?
That's just mean!
I stay behind while he goes away and try to explain to our daughter why Daddy missed another one of her birthdays, that Daddy does still love her, that he misses her and thinks about her, that Daddy still loves Mommy even tho he's away, that yes, Daddy will eventually have to go away for a long time again. I have to explain to her why her Daddy stays at work for months and other Daddy's are home for dinner. I have to go to my ultrasound appts and tell the doctor that no the Daddy won't be there. I have to go to bed at night alone, cry alone, discipline alone.
How can I not hate this? How can I not want to say not to re enlist when the time comes?
He is so happy. I can see the drive and fire in him for this job that I never saw in him before. I know he loves this. 
I would never put my own happiness ahead of his for my own selfish reasons.
But our kids....The life that our daughter is still struggling to become accustomed to; and the life that our son is being born into. Is it fair?
Ultimately it will be up to me to instill pride versus resentment in our children.
But is it all worth it?
Greg and I always say that we will always figure everything out together. 
So I guess we'll make thru this all as a family....thru the bad and the good.

 ~*~ Military So's are in the ranks rarely seen ~*~

Happy Hallowiener!!

Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!! As I said before, Halloween is my all time FAVORITE holiday.
Halloween was always a big deal in my family growing up; and my daughter is already shaping up to be quite the little spooktacular lover!
The little goblin's birthday is October 20th. We were very happy to have a Halloween baby. Her first costume was a tootsie roll when she was 10 days old; and her first bday party was Halloween themed.
She loves everything about this ghoulish holiday! She's fearless and totally gets into it with me which is awesome!  When we went trick or treating; there was a house that had their garage door opened with strobe lights, a fog machine, creepy decorations and the works! A lot of kids were a bit taken a back; not mine!! She ran right up there; no fear, yelling TRICK OR TREAT the entire way up the driveway. Scary costumes, talking decorations....she laughs! "Mommy look he's cool".....god my kid is awesome hahaha.

This year the little one was Dorothy, and I was a fat cat :0). Her first choice was Jesse from Toy Story; but let me tell you, i searched two STATES of stores and every online site...there was not ONE child's Jesse costume ANYWHERE...and I started looking the first week of October!! I found the toddler size but that was it. I even checked Ebay....people were hocking this costume for over $100!!!....So after two days of harassing my sister (who is the manager at Spirit Costume Store) and trying on roughly 20 costumes...we settled on Dorothy...complete with faux basket trick or treat bag with Toto; and sparkly black slippers, (yes black not red....hey, Dorothy only wore the red shoes half the movie and these shoes can double as her x-mas shoes!! I'm frugal :0) )) I even did her makeup! Rosy rosy cheeks, blue eyeshadow and a touch of red lipstick! And of course; pig tail braids in her hair with blue ribbon bows at the end.

Now normally I go more all out on my own costume but being 7 months pregnant and a bit strapped for cash, i improvised! I wore black leggings and black and grey rollover boots with fuzzy tops that I already had. I got a long sleeve black shirt for $7 at Walmart (seriously....i somehow did not own a solid black shirt lol). I got a cat tail for $4 at a costume store. I pulled the top of my hair into little buns as "ears". And I drew a black nose and whiskers with eyeliner (don't try this at home...spring for the face paint!! lmao it was a BITCH to wash off) I did drastic "cat like" eyes with heavy makeup, and red lipstick just in the center of my lips to look like a small cat mouth :0) And, since I have not take my hunny's dog tags off since he deployed, I took blue ribbon to use as a "collar" and put one of his tags on it as my "kitty ID tag" :0)

Any holiday....big or small that you have to spend with half your heart missing is going to be hard. It was hard to get into the mood of decorating and what not when there was no one to share it with. But I think that's another one of the lessons you learn as time progresses in a military relationship.
Some people think woman in military lifestyles are extremely strong and will say "oh I could never do what you do". Then others think that your life is no different and no harder then their civilian world. The truth is...every couple has hardships, and struggle thru one thing or another. We are no better then them and they are no better then us. However, the lessons we learn in our lives, are different then theirs.
My latest lesson learned.....time doesn't stop for your pain. Everyone knows this intellectually, but to really absorb it is a different story. Holidays don't care that your not ready for them; or that you don't want them around...they'll still come.  My daughter's birthday came, AGAIN, even tho her Daddy wasn't here. Halloween came. And now they're both over. And we survived. What makes us strong is the ability to still play along, even if our whole heart isn't in it. My daughter still had a nice party with family, cake, presents, party favors and a pinata. I still decorated for Halloween, she and I both dressed up, we went trick or treating....because that's what you have to do. Time can be your enemy....but when you push thru it, and continue to do things as if he was home; that's when you win.

~*~ Military SOs are in the ranks rarely seen *~*

Whoa Baby...

So the other day I got maternity pictures done by a professional photographer...
It was kind of weird because I wanted Lovey to be there with me. We are getting couples maternity pictures done when he gets home; as well as family pictures, but still...
The theme of the shoot was "Sailor Baby", and I love the pictures. But it's still bittersweet.
Each picture that I look at, I think of how the picture would look with his arms wrapped around me, him kissing my belly, and lovingly holding it...holding his son.
The pictures were taken for him. The photographer was a Navy Wife who knew he was deployed and was gearing the shoot towards that. To show how much we love, miss, and support him.
But at the same time, it just feels like I'm showing him what he has missed...I wasn't showing when he left for this deployment...I was throwing up from morning sickness....everything I smelled was horrible, and I never wanted to leave the couch.
I'm grateful he is coming home to ME again, not the sickly me, but me....just now the size of a house...:0)
It's hard to no think for a second that he's going to run the other way when he steps off that bus and sees that I look like I swallowed another person.....I know he looks at pictures on his computer of me everyday and I don't look like that now.
With our daughter, I didn't show until my 9th month, so a beach ball in front of me is completely foreign.
I haven't gained much weight but this belly grows every week....this boy is getting BIG!!
I just hope that he gets off that bus and hugs me and kisses me and says "Hi beautiful"....and he still means it.

~*~ Military SO's are in the ranks rarely seen ~*~

Happy Freaking Halloween!!!

I LOVE Halloween. It's hands down my favorite holiday.  Who doesn't love a holiday where you can scare people and they can't get mad, your allowed to collect candy from strangers, and for one day; you can be whoever you want to be! Halloween has always been a big deal in my family; it still is. My mom still has a huge party every year and you are required to come in costume....if you don't come in costume...she gets to dress you....you don't want that happening! My dad one year made the mistake of saying "I don't care" when my mom asked him what he wanted to be.....

Sooo he was the tooth fairy!!! A big, hairy, tan, Italian man in a white spandex one piece outfit, tutu, sparkly wings and hair piece....plus "fairy dust" in his hair and beard. IT WAS AWESOME!!! My daddy has since passed away. This was the last Halloween we shared, and we have amazing memories from it.

ANYWAY....My entire family, including my hubby are very big into Halloween. This year I'm attempting to track down a Jesse from Toy Story costume for my daughter (which is presenting to be a difficult task) And I think I'm going as Violet from Willy Wonka when she turns into the blueberry :0) haha

Poor Lovey has not been able to celebrate a Halloween since he's been in the Navy. The first one he was still in Great Lakes after Basic Training, the next he was deployed and this one he is deployed. And I'm just plain sick of it!!! I know he loves this time of year as much as I do and I feel guilty he can't take part in the pumpkin picking/carving, costume choices, trick or treating and decorations. So this year, I decided, he was gonna have Halloween on the ship!!!

STEP 1:    Cake in a Jar!!!!

 I got Halloween themed funfetti cake mix (for obvious reasons) and chocolate (it's his fav)
 

Make the cake batter according to the directions on the box. The jars you need are just basic glass mason jars used for canning. You can find them at some grocery stores, or wholesale places such as BJs or Costco in bulk. Fill the jars up HALF WAY. The jars have measuring lines on them, do not go more then one line above the half way mark. One box of batter will make 2 large jars, or 1 large and 2 medium jars...(with just enough left over for little goblins to lick the bowl)

They took as long as the 9x13 baking directions said. However, if you have a temper mental oven...or just want to play it safe...Start off with the time for cupcakes and go plus 5 minutes from there,checking them. You'll need a long skewer or butter knife...a toothpick won't work. You need to make sure you check all the way to the center of the cake. When the cakes have about 5 minutes left, fill a pot with water, and put the lids in. Turn it on high. When the water is boiling, shut it off, and put the lids on a towel and pat dry. Your cakes should be out of the oven by now....as soon as the lids are cool enough to be touched, put the lids on. They're in two pieces, a flat seal and a twist top. Put them on, screw closed but not TIGHT. The heat from the cake is going to vacuum seal them. You may hear a popping noise, if not touch the top of the jar in about 5-10 minutes. If you still feel the "bubble" that makes a popping noise, they're not sealed yet. If the top is flat, TA-DA. Now you can screw them as tight as you can.

The cake will begin to pull away from the sides of the jar as it cools.
Time to pack it up!! The jars a built to withstand a lot, but I still bubble wrapped them just to be safe. Enclose a jar of icing, don't ice the cake. They are suppose to stay fresh up to 6 months!!!  Good news for a Navy girl like me, when it takes a month or more for a package to get to the ship!!

STEP 2: Get Creative!!!

 I sent two Halloween themed care packages! One was his 'trick' and one was his 'treat' :0)

This is his 'trick' box. I'm not a crafty person but I tried!! Time to get down and dirty with some old school construction paper, crayons, markers, and glue sticks ladies!!  I drew and cut out pumpkins, skulls, ghosts.  Then wrote 'Trick or Treat' and 'Boooo' on opposite flaps, with little Halloween drawings. Even if your not artsy, your man will appreciate how hard you worked, and will enjoy each part of the package. 

Inside I have everything needed for him and all his Sailor friends to run a muck on Halloween.  Bonus....Halloween falls on a Sunday this year...with a bit of luck they'll be on holiday routine and have nothing better to do then go play!! My idea was to make it so that a bunch of the guys could actually dress up for Halloween. So I included, devil horns, a pink wig, a ball & chain, pimp clock, a grass skirt, long vintage cigarette holder, fake beards, vampire teeth, hobo teeth, screeching evil clown, rat that runs around, clown nose, cat whiskers, cobwebs, caution tape, trick lighter, cheerleader pom poms, terminator chest plate; plus a bunch of stupid little Halloween games. I got some stuff from the dollar store, and the rest at the Halloween store, and I didn't spend over $5 on any single item. And of course I added a note that said, 'I WANT PICTURES!!!'

 

This is his 'treat' box. It has a bag of candy corn, a huge bag of Swedish fish (we fight over them when he's home; so me giving up a whole bag is a big deal!) and a huge 5lb bag of assorted candy. Hey, it's Halloween, that's what they're suppose to eat!! ;-)

It also of course has the cake in a jar and icing. As well as a small pumpkin with a painted face on it, 2 Happy Halloween cards (one from me one from our daughter), Lots of drawings and paintings from the little one. She always does this and I tried to get her to stay "themed" this time. I drew out witch hats and ghosts and pumpkins and had her color them. And bought a Halloween paint by number as well for her to do. Love letters from both of us. (our daughter likes to write "letters" on notebook paper, then put it in an envelope, seal it, and address the outside) It has a singing card in it too, which isn't Halloween themed but it'll embarrass him :-P haha.  I printed out lots of pictures of us as well, and some of our daughter running around the Halloween store trying on masks. Plus the necessities. I always ask him if needs anything. This time he requested deodorant, body wash, brown tees, socks, and blousing straps. So that's all in there too. (Hey it can be themed and practical at the same time!!)

Packed and ready to go!!! The little one assaulted the outside of both boxes with Halloween stickers. I got about 10 different sheets so she had an assortment to choose from.  We always decorate the outside as well as all the inside parts so that he enjoys every single minute; from receiving, to opening, to rummaging. :0)

Care Packages are a great way to busy yourself for awhile, as well as show him how much you miss him right then. Plus keep him in the loop of what he's missing at home; such as a holiday, anniversary, or even a season.  You can always think up a theme!!  I wish I would have taken pictures of the last package I sent....ehhh I'll talk about that another day. But keep your eyes open girls!!! I'm always on the hunt for little things I know he would love. You don't have to spend a lot to show him how much you love him...just be a little creative!!!

~*~ Military So's are in the ranks rarely seen *~*

Sailors are Yummy ;-)

So I am following the blog of a really fun Marine Wife! Her blog is called 'We See the Same Stars' which is what first attracted me to it. Since if you've read previous posts, you know my Sailor and I have "moon dates" every night, no matter where in the world he is at that time. She's a young mil spouse and very relatable....I suggest you all go check her out!
http://xlostnconfuzdx.blogspot.com/2010/10/halloween-on-brain.html
Happy Bogging!!!

~*~ Military So's are in the Ranks rarely seen ~*~

He is Amazing.

After I finished my last blog, I sat and cried for awhile. A long while......and as soon as I dried my tears and forced myself to stop....he emailed me. 

He is amazing....I laughed and smiled and got everything out of it I need to sustain me. He is my soul mate....in every way a person can fit so perfectly with another. 

I will sit home alone every night. I will go days without an email. I will go weeks without hearing your voice. I will carry your children. I will follow you anywhere you need to go. I will settle to see you only in my dreams for months. You are worth it. You are worth all of it. This is our life..... loneliness is temporary; Love is eternal

Forever and ever babe

Loneliness comes disguised as Anger....

It's amusing isn't it......
All the things you don't realize to prepare yourself for.  It's no mystery that the time apart from your significant other produces feelings and emotions you never knew you had. The things that make you cry may also make yourself laugh at your own foolishness.  The pride that you feel in certain instances may overwhelm you like you never thought it would. There may be days that you think you'll die if you have to go another day, and days that you wake up with a smile and keep nomalsy alive to the best of your ability. 

But the emotion that really caught me off guard....the one that I never thought I would feel while the love of my life was thousands of miles away, is anger.
As selfish as that sounds....as much as I feel like a horrible person for saying that...it's the truth.
I could never express in words exactly how much I love him; or how much I miss him; or how proud I am of him...he will never truly know.....and I know he feels the same for me.  But sometimes....you forget.  Sometimes....when your the one left behind it's hard not to feel exactly that way....left.

Lately, it's hard to not feel forgotten or abandoned. And as soon as that feeling washes over me....the feeling of being so deeply lonely that you feel like you have no one missing you, the feeling of shame quickly follows. Reminding me how selfish I am for feeling that way, even for a second.  That I am lonely because I am in love with a great man, who is off doing great things for people that need him far more then I need him....

But I'm only human. And I'm a pregnant....emotionally wrecked human. I am ballooning up from this growing baby with no one to tell me I'm still beautiful. I am a parent to a sometimes ungrateful and rotten (although wonderful) 3 year old with no one to share the responsibility with.  I am physically exuasted as this pregnancy takes it's toll on me with no one to hug me at the end of the day. I am alone...in a strange state that I have lived in for only 6 months.....8 hours from every person and thing I know.

And now, I'm angry. I'm angry because every morning, faithfully, I wake up....make our daughter breakfast....walk our dog....and get on the computer to write him an email. Periodically thru out the day I send emails so he knows I am thinking of him...telling him what we are doing that day, sending pictures so he knows what's going on in our family. Anytime I would send him a text message if he wasnt deployed...i'm sending him an email. Making sure he is always kept in the loop. And every night...after the dishes are done, and Gia is put to bed and the house is quiet and dark...I send him another email. Telling him good night. Telling him I love him and I'm proud of him. Telling him I'll see him in my dreams....
I spend days with my daughter creating fun and loving care packages....so that he can touch something we touched and somehow bridge the distance.
And all of a sudden I'm staring at a blank email page...thinking I don't want to email him right now....
I haven't gotten a response in so long....that I feel like I'm talking to myself.

We lost the luxuary of Skype after his first port.....we have lost the privliage of hearing eachother's voice.....we have NO way to contact eachother except thru email.....and I feel like that is being stolen from me.
I'm in tears everytime I open my laptop because there is nothing in my inbox from him.
But yet I'm still sending him emails....because I want him to know i'm thinking about him.....loving him.....missing him.
HE is the one away from home, HE is the one working around the clock, HE is the one extremly busy...not me. I have no excuse not to email him.

But when the days have become too long to bear.....with nothing to break them up. When the only thing you have to look forward to every day has been taken from you...then what?
When you are forced to remind yourself everyday that you are loved by someone who just happens to be too busy to tell you that they love and miss you....how many days can you believe yourself?

I miss him. I want him home. But right now....all I want is to have him tell me he misses me just as much as I miss him.

I'm sick of looking on facebook and seeing wives of men on his ship saying they got emails or phone calls. I broke down when three of them in one day said they got to Skype.....I'm sitting here wondering what the hell is going on.
I'm not dumb.....I know how busy he is...i know he loves me, I know he misses me.

Right now I am weak....and I know that soon it will all be ok again. i know that soon I will be rejuvinated with strength....but right now....I am extremly lonely......and a littly angry.....

~Military SO's are in the ranks rarely seen~