All the things you don't realize to prepare yourself for. It's no mystery that the time apart from your significant other produces feelings and emotions you never knew you had. The things that make you cry may also make yourself laugh at your own foolishness. The pride that you feel in certain instances may overwhelm you like you never thought it would. There may be days that you think you'll die if you have to go another day, and days that you wake up with a smile and keep nomalsy alive to the best of your ability.
But the emotion that really caught me off guard....the one that I never thought I would feel while the love of my life was thousands of miles away, is anger.
As selfish as that sounds....as much as I feel like a horrible person for saying that...it's the truth.
I could never express in words exactly how much I love him; or how much I miss him; or how proud I am of him...he will never truly know.....and I know he feels the same for me. But sometimes....you forget. Sometimes....when your the one left behind it's hard not to feel exactly that way....left.
Lately, it's hard to not feel forgotten or abandoned. And as soon as that feeling washes over me....the feeling of being so deeply lonely that you feel like you have no one missing you, the feeling of shame quickly follows. Reminding me how selfish I am for feeling that way, even for a second. That I am lonely because I am in love with a great man, who is off doing great things for people that need him far more then I need him....
But I'm only human. And I'm a pregnant....emotionally wrecked human. I am ballooning up from this growing baby with no one to tell me I'm still beautiful. I am a parent to a sometimes ungrateful and rotten (although wonderful) 3 year old with no one to share the responsibility with. I am physically exuasted as this pregnancy takes it's toll on me with no one to hug me at the end of the day. I am alone...in a strange state that I have lived in for only 6 months.....8 hours from every person and thing I know.
And now, I'm angry. I'm angry because every morning, faithfully, I wake up....make our daughter breakfast....walk our dog....and get on the computer to write him an email. Periodically thru out the day I send emails so he knows I am thinking of him...telling him what we are doing that day, sending pictures so he knows what's going on in our family. Anytime I would send him a text message if he wasnt deployed...i'm sending him an email. Making sure he is always kept in the loop. And every night...after the dishes are done, and Gia is put to bed and the house is quiet and dark...I send him another email. Telling him good night. Telling him I love him and I'm proud of him. Telling him I'll see him in my dreams....
I spend days with my daughter creating fun and loving care packages....so that he can touch something we touched and somehow bridge the distance.
And all of a sudden I'm staring at a blank email page...thinking I don't want to email him right now....
I haven't gotten a response in so long....that I feel like I'm talking to myself.
We lost the luxuary of Skype after his first port.....we have lost the privliage of hearing eachother's voice.....we have NO way to contact eachother except thru email.....and I feel like that is being stolen from me.
I'm in tears everytime I open my laptop because there is nothing in my inbox from him.
But yet I'm still sending him emails....because I want him to know i'm thinking about him.....loving him.....missing him.
HE is the one away from home, HE is the one working around the clock, HE is the one extremly busy...not me. I have no excuse not to email him.
But when the days have become too long to bear.....with nothing to break them up. When the only thing you have to look forward to every day has been taken from you...then what?
When you are forced to remind yourself everyday that you are loved by someone who just happens to be too busy to tell you that they love and miss you....how many days can you believe yourself?
I miss him. I want him home. But right now....all I want is to have him tell me he misses me just as much as I miss him.
I'm sick of looking on facebook and seeing wives of men on his ship saying they got emails or phone calls. I broke down when three of them in one day said they got to Skype.....I'm sitting here wondering what the hell is going on.
I'm not dumb.....I know how busy he is...i know he loves me, I know he misses me.
Right now I am weak....and I know that soon it will all be ok again. i know that soon I will be rejuvinated with strength....but right now....I am extremly lonely......and a littly angry.....
~Military SO's are in the ranks rarely seen~
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