Sometimes, the bed is just too big...

Anyone who has ever missed someone knows; your emotions come in waves.  More unpredictable then the capricious seas my love sails everyday. 
There are days when you can stand outside, feel the warm sun on your face, and breeze thru your hair; take a breath and know that life is good.
Then there are days when your kids....or the urgent need to pee....are the only thing that gets you up in the morning.
There are the nights when you sleep on the couch because the bed is just too painfully big;
and the nights where you can almost imagine him there next to you and you can't wait to fall asleep to meet him in your dreams.
But the night.....the night is my worst enemy. The only adversary in my life. 

You can go thru your day....robotically fulfilling your responsibilities. Cracking genuine smiles, because your child is your light, doing your chores, writing emails to him, spending time with your friends. 
But at night; there is nothing to hide behind.  There are no tasks to mask your true feelings. The kids are tucked in bed, the dishes are done...and your left with darkness.
Your left alone in the time that is ordinarilly reserved for the two of you. 
Sometimes you can sit in the silence, and it almost seems blissful. The peace, to reflect, close your eyes and know that somewhere, he is laying in a rack, dreaming of being with you again.

But sometimes.....like tonight....your emotions can manifest themselves into physical pain. You can feel the ache rise thru your body....yearning for an escape thru your eyes. You can suddenly feel the un-rhythmic beat of your heart as it pounds in your chest. You begin to breathe deep....slow, as your anxiety levels rise.
I clutch his dog tags that hang faithfully around my neck everyday and night. Run my thumb along the embedded lettering.
His name.....his social...his blood type...
I look at the wall....the many hanging pictures of our happy family..the milestones...the celebrations.

We are logical, we are proud, we are intelligent....we know why we do this....we know that the nights alone are all worth it in the end.  We know that we sacrafice for a greater cause. We know that our men are not only our Heroes, but our country's.
But that doesn't make the pain less real. It doesn't make the anguish that we burden for months on end any less trying. It doesn't bring back the missed birthdays, anniversaries, or school plays. It doesn't make the longing to have our best friend back subside.
But, amazingly....it doesn't make us any less proud.

 *~* Military SO's are in the ranks rarely seen *~*